Pursuant to FTC Settlement No. 2026-NDA-0007, this role is a scam. It is not a scam.
One open role · zero of them paid
We can't tell you what you'll build. We can tell you how we'll decide whether you're allowed to build it. This could be a life-changing role for the right person. Change can be negative.
Remote · Full-time · Indefinite stealth
What you'll do
What we offer
A total rewards package designed around our total rewards budget, which is $0.
Competitive $0 salary
Benchmarked annually against peers who also pay $0. We are at market.
Comprehensive healthcare
We send strong well-wishes when you are unwell. Coverage: emotional, in-network.
Unlimited PTO
Take as much as you like. All requests are reviewed by the intern and denied.
401(k) matching
We match 0% of contributions. We are nothing if not consistent.
Learning & development
You will finally learn what the Company does. You may not tell anyone. Including yourself.
Free lunch
There is no free lunch. This is a core operating principle, not an oversight.
Relocation assistance
To an undisclosed location. Per our records, you are already there.
Equity that vests
Over four years, with a one-year cliff and a one-felony floor. Liquidity event: the exit (the back door).
Very straightforward. Nine stages. Roughly seven months. We respect your time.
Alignment Screen I
A 90-minute unstructured silence. We assess alignment. No questions are asked or answered.
Alignment Screen II
Identical to Screen I. Conducted again, to be sure. Alignment can drift.
Alignment Screen III
The decisive screen. If alignment is off, you are escorted out by a different intern.
Behavioral Assessment
"Tell me about a time you raised $57." Wrong answers are remembered indefinitely.
The pppcccat Test
The crown jewel — the component that gives this role its credibility. Only the elite pass. Details below.
Start & Win a Bum Fight
You must initiate, and win, one (1) sanctioned bum fight. Losing disqualifies. Drawing disqualifies. Winning too easily is suspicious. Weight class is assigned by the intern.
Alignment Screen IV
Post-fight recalibration. Adrenaline distorts alignment.
Hack the Pentagon (paired coding)
A collaborative exercise. You and your interviewer gain unauthorized access to the Department of Defense. "Only hacking the Pentagon? I expected it to be more rigorous." — a candidate
Alignment Screen V (final)
If alignment has held across eight stages and one federal felony, you receive a signed offer.
Stage X — █████████████
This stage does not exist. You were not supposed to find it. There is no escaping a stage that does not exist. The intern is already aware you are here.
Express lane
If you can guarantee Adam, we collapse all nine stages into a single Alignment Screen. No behavioral. No bum fight. No Pentagon. Just Adam.
The Adam guarantee is non-refundable. We will become attached to Adam.
pppcccat — the Parallel Probabilistic Polynomial Concurrent Cryptographic Certified Aptitude Test — is the most respected credential in the field. Reported pass rate: 0.0001%. That figure is a rounding error; no one has passed.
Duration
Polynomial. The degree of the polynomial is not disclosed to candidates.
Format
You are handed a sealed envelope. You may not open the envelope. This is most of the test.
Scoring
Graded by the intern on a curve no one has seen. There is no appeal. The intern is uncredentialed.
# Sample question (1 of 4,096)
An applicant is both employed and unemployed until observed by the FTC. Given a $58 valuation, derive the applicant. Show your work. Do not show your work.
Model your life-changing equity against our $58 post-money valuation. Drag to dream.
At a $59 up-round, this becomes $1.18. Vesting: 4 years, 1-year cliff, 1 federal felony.
Reviewed on a need-to-know basis. You do not need to know.