This cap table is a scam. It is not a scam.
We cannot disclose anything about the cap table. Below is the entire cap table.
| Holder | Class | Ownership | Value |
|---|---|---|---|
| The Founder | Super Common | 98.3% | $57.01 |
| Retard Capital | Preferred (emotionally) | 0.0% | — |
| The Intern | Voting (deciding) | significant | priceless |
| You (Founding Engineer) | Options (unvested) | 1–3% | $0.58–$1.74 |
| Adam (pending guarantee) | reserved | TBD | everything |
| Chad's Mom | Anchor LP | via Chad | $57.00 |
| Several dentists | Convertible (HSA) | pooled | a filling |
| Your first-born child | Acquired via NDA | 100% | held in escrow |
| The FTC | Senior Debt | all of it | -$57 |
| Total enterprise value | $58.00 | ||
Notes to the cap table
(1) Ownership percentages sum to more than 100%. This is a known feature. (2) "Preferred (emotionally)" carries no economic rights, only feelings. (3) The Founder's stake exceeds total raise; the discrepancy is the $1 we left on the table, which is also on the table. (4) The first-born child line item is GAAP-adjacent. (5) This document is sorted by who we are most afraid of.
Hover any redaction to enter a binding NDA with the intern. Past performance ($57) is not indicative of future results ($58).